Does Your Sentence Need a Diet?

This is the write-up on a movie DVD. 
 
"In this pensive drama, a sequence of ostensibly random but life-altering incidents conspire to link a half-dozen Los Angeles denizens from disparate economic and social classes, leading to epiphanies about responsibilities and relationships." 
 
What's wrong with this picture? 
 
This overloaded sentence violates some of the most important rules of writing, specifically: 
 
1. Keep sentences short. A good rule of thumb: if you have to take a breath when reading the sentence aloud, the sentence is too long. 
 
2. Use the shortest word possible. This sentence has a large number of three-, four- and even six-syllable words.  
 
In effect, this sentence needs a diet. Fortunately, it is easier to fix such a sentence than it is to stay on the typical diet. Specifically: 
 
1. Consider cutting the sentence into two sentences. 
 
2. Replace long words with shorter ones. 
 
Using that formula, the description could read: "In this pensive drama, a series of life-altering events link six Los Angeles residents. Although they come from different economic and social classes, the Californians gain similar insights into responsibilities and relationships." 
 
Definitely more readable. 

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I grant you permission to reprint this article in whole or in part, as long as the following credit appears with live links to my Web site and email address: “Reprinted with permission from Kay Paumier of Communications Plus, www.communicationsplus.net, info@communicationsplus.net.” Please let me know where the material will appear. 
 
—Kay Paumier, Communications Plus

          

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